The Easiest New Year’s Predictions Ever

Thank God 2016 is over!
Honestly, it was only exhausting because we had to spend the year trying to keep The Media’s stories straight on why Hillary Clinton was so grand, and why Donald Trump was so sleazy. But to be honest, the stories changed more often than the weather!
 
So as we take a well-earned long and deep breath before we open our eyes to a new calendar tomorrow morning, here is the easiest list of predictions for a New Year ever assembled…
 
 

1. Barack Obama is never going away. But he will continue to say insipid things about the country he never bothered to learn anything about: America.

2. The Washington Press Corps will awaken from its 8-year slumbering slathering love-fest with Barack and Michelle.
The group of lazy journalists will be stunned to learn that many politicians have milked the government system to become rich.
They will be shocked when they find out that there is unending waste, fraud and abuse inside government agencies,  that the bureaucracy is an apathetic out-of-touch and unresponsive mess, and that the federal government runs an annual deficit.
 
3. The unemployment rate will jump to 9% by March 1st, and will be well over 10% this Summer.
 
4. Black-American joblessness will materialize from nowhere.
 
5. Homelessness will reappear out of nowhere.
 
6. The drug epidemic sweeping America will arise from nowhere.
 
7. The number of illegal aliens living in America will jump from 12 million to 30 million.
 
8. Hillary and Bill Clinton no longer have any reason to speak to each other again, 
but will have an uncomfortable glance-and-nodding acquaintance at future birthday parties for their grandchildren.
 
9. Charles Schumer will suddenly become the smartest, most powerful, most shrewd, and most important man in Washington, because he alone can stand up to the maniacal fascist sexist greedy capitalist monster residing in the White House.
Already known on Capitol Hill for his froth-at-the-mouth lust to be in front of any TV camera, Schumer will now grace the covers of The New Yorker, Washingtonian, The Atlantic, The New Republic, Time, Newsweek, and even People  magazines with those shadowy photos where he grimly stands tall in his suit and tie, with his arms folded in stern resistance to the Republican destruction of America. He will always appear high on the vapid and annual “The Most Intriguing People” list.
We will hear his surly voice every day on radio and TV news broadcasts as the voice of the reasonable opposition.
He will be invited as the Guest of Honor to every party in Georgetown, McLean, Chevy Chase, Manhattan, Hollywood, and the Hamptons.
He will be invited to speak at dozens of college graduations starting this coming May.
And although he has spent his political career stepping over congressmen and senators to steal the limelight, stab others in the back, grab credit and point fingers as the situation suited him, he will suddenly be the go-to-guy for reporters who want to hear “candor” about what really goes on in Washington. 
10. Just like all users of the ridiculous communications tool, Donald Trump will continue to get in trouble using his twitter account.
–The Beltway Bandit
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