Fix the Tax Code—in One Easy Step

So here we go again: it’s Tax Day in America.
 
The weekend news broadcasts were flooded with tax stories.
One stated that Americans spend billions of dollars just to fill out their tax forms each year.
In another story, a reporter interviewed people in the line at the post office on Saturday.
Another spoke of how Americans spend an average of 52 hours— just to fill out their tax forms.
That’s a whole lot of time spent just to hand over money to the federal government.
 
For decades Americans have grumbled, swallowed hard, and sent in their taxes on the National Day of Doom, April 15th.
 
Over the last 20 years, economists Thomas Sowell  and Walter Williams have each had easy ways to simplify the Tax Code. 
 
Dr. Sowell suggested making Tax Day the same day as Election Day. That would force Congress to simplify it.
 
Dr. Williams suggested a 10% flat tax. He explained that “if 10% of my income is good enough for the Methodist church, it should be more than enough money for the federal government.” 
 
The problem with tax reform is that your friendly neighborhood congressman really has no interest in simplifying the tax system. Each year, the federal government sucks more than $4 trillion dollars out of American taxpayers. And even with all that money, Congress still spends more than it receives. Your congressman is not giving up that much money, no matter how much suffering you do to hand it over to him.
 
If Americans are really serious about fixing the confusing, frustrating, expensive, and headache-inducing tax forms, there is a simple solution:
Require ALL elected officials (the president, vice president, senators, congressman, and all their staffs), and congressionally appointed officials (including the Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Commerce, the head of the Federal Reserve Board, the head of the Congressional Budget Office, the Secretary of Defense… ALL one of them with any fiduciary responsibility) to fill out their tax returns: ON CAMERA.
 
Then make them publish it on YouTube.
 
Every one of these government officials can have an accountant, a lawyer, or even their own mom sitting in the room, helping them fill out their tax return. But they MUST do the entire process on YouTube.
 
I promise you that real Tax Reform and Simplification would be passed by both houses of Congress and signed by the President within a single month.
–The Beltway Bandit

America’s Most Revered Good Friday

America’s Most Revered Good Friday: April 14, 1865

During the Civil War, Americans in both the North and South were regularly asked to perform penance to support the soldiers in combat.

Throughout the war, President Davis regularly asked the people of the Confederate States of America to pray for their soldiers. As revealed in the thought-provoking Civil War history book “Upon the Altar of the Nation”, in three-day or week-long prayer events throughout the war, the people of the southern states complied: fasting, saying extra prayers, and attending church services in cities, towns and villages all over The South.

In the North, President Lincoln often did the same thing, asking Americans to call on God to protect Union forces engaged in combat.

Largely ignored in history books about the Civil War, this national spiritual movement is a special insight into the mindset of Americans of that era. They were God-fearing and humble. And just as impressively, they believed in the power of communal prayer.

Belief in the God of the Bible was an unspoken given among Americans of that era. This is why President Lincoln’s religious tone in his Second Inaugural Address resonated across the nation: everybody understood his concise, humble and reverent message about the importance of God in America.

One of the fascinating twists at the end of the Civil War was Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. Just like this year, Good Friday in 1865 fell on Friday, April 14th. Two days later, April 16th was Easter Sunday. General Lee had surrendered his army a week earlier, and the nation was experiencing a week-long exhale as the Civil War ended.

But on that Good Friday evening, the bitter John Wilkes Booth shot the president in the back of the head less than a half mile from the White House during a play performance at Ford’s Theater. Booth leapt from the president’s box to the stage, shouting at the audience as he limped across the stage to escape. Mrs. Lincoln screamed as she and the other guests in the president’s box realized what had just happened. Bleeding profusely, President Lincoln could not be moved very far. A group from the audience carried the president across the street to a boarding house and crammed his unconscious 6’4” frame into a small bed in hopes of saving his life.

Members of his cabinet waited at his bedside through the night, desperately listening for his faint heaving breaths between the wails of his distraught wife whom they kept in a different room across the hall.

At dawn on the morning of April 15th, Holy Saturday morning, Lincoln exhaled for the last time. Secretary of War Edwin Stanton whispered to the men packed in the room, “Now he belongs to the ages.”

Thanks to the technological miracle of that age called the telegraph, people across the continent learned of Lincoln’s murder by Easter Sunday. In retrospect, General Grant declared, “In his death the nation lost its greatest hero; in his death the South lost its most just friend.”

The president’s death was a jolting closure to one of the world’s most brutal wars.  Americans instantly made the religious connection of Lincoln sacrificing his life for America at the instant when victory was secure. Contemporary scholars noted that like Moses, Old Abe was able to see the Promised Land but not allowed to enter it.

Americans intuitively understood that Lincoln was the redeemer of America’s founding principles celebrated in the Declaration of Independence which were branded on the souls of every American child from that day forward.

Because Christianity was so ingrained in American society, in a powerful and another unspoken way across American culture, Abraham Lincoln’s assassination on Good Friday and death during the Pascal Triduum fused him in the hearts of Americans as the Civil War’s sacrificial lamb, and turned him into an American Martyr.

–The Beltway Bandit

What’s the Difference…?

…between Martin Luther King, Jr., and Barack Obama ?

Martin Luther King believed in his heritage—as an American.

He believed that every person born in America inherited the full rights guaranteed under the Constitution of the United States. He spent his career and often risked physical abuse fighting for that single goal.

Martin Luther King, Jr. grew up in an America which taught every child to cherish our Founding Fathers, our Declaration of Independence, our Constitution, and our heritage. So there was little irony that Dr. King arose as a black leader who celebrated America.

After black Americans sacrificed and died alongside white Americans during the Second World War, and when soon after the economy expanded so rapidly offering black Americans economic opportunities which had been unimaginable to their parents, they demanded that alongside those opportunities, they now be guaranteed the rights to vote and to participate fully as Americans—not as second class or inferior Americans.

King arose as a catalyst for the cause of political and social freedom. During many marches, speeches, and even during his time in jail, he wrote of the duty of Americans to accept blacks as full Americans, as proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence and promised in the Constitution.

In his most famous speech at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, King spoke of his children playing side by side with white Americans, without any condemnation or malice.

Although he did not live to see the result of his work, King succeeded. Black Americans are lauded in entertainment, sports, and business. Most of our biggest celebrities over the last 35 years have been  black: from Michael Jackson, Oprah, and Michael Jordan to Robert L. Johnson, the Williams Sisters and Puff Daddy, up to Beyoncé, JayZ, Samuel L. Jackson, and Barack and Michelle Obama. They are lauded for their successes, and children across the nation look up to them.
So why is Dr. King different from President Obama?

You can go in to almost any public school across America and see a life-sized-mural of a grinning President Obama with arms folded standing in front of an American flag with a smaller picture of Martin Luther King, Jr in one corner and Frederick Douglass in the other corner.

But the difference between Obama and King is crystal clear: Dr. King believed in America. He rarely gave a speech or interview without expressing his reverence for the Constitution and the urgency of fulfilling its promise to all Americans.

Dr. King used his faith in God and faith in the goodness of Americans to expand opportunities for a suppressed minority. Obama did the opposite.

President Obama has spent his career voicing disdain for the Constitution and insulting Americans. He spent the last eight years ignoring or leap-frogging clear constitutional law and precedent to force his vision of a transformed society onto a shocked America.

Obama regularly claimed the mantle of Martin Luther King, Jr.

But only one man loved America.

— the Beltway Bandit

The Easiest New Year’s Predictions Ever

Thank God 2016 is over!
Honestly, it was only exhausting because we had to spend the year trying to keep The Media’s stories straight on why Hillary Clinton was so grand, and why Donald Trump was so sleazy. But to be honest, the stories changed more often than the weather!
 
So as we take a well-earned long and deep breath before we open our eyes to a new calendar tomorrow morning, here is the easiest list of predictions for a New Year ever assembled…
 
 

1. Barack Obama is never going away. But he will continue to say insipid things about the country he never bothered to learn anything about: America.

2. The Washington Press Corps will awaken from its 8-year slumbering slathering love-fest with Barack and Michelle.
The group of lazy journalists will be stunned to learn that many politicians have milked the government system to become rich.
They will be shocked when they find out that there is unending waste, fraud and abuse inside government agencies,  that the bureaucracy is an apathetic out-of-touch and unresponsive mess, and that the federal government runs an annual deficit.
 
3. The unemployment rate will jump to 9% by March 1st, and will be well over 10% this Summer.
 
4. Black-American joblessness will materialize from nowhere.
 
5. Homelessness will reappear out of nowhere.
 
6. The drug epidemic sweeping America will arise from nowhere.
 
7. The number of illegal aliens living in America will jump from 12 million to 30 million.
 
8. Hillary and Bill Clinton no longer have any reason to speak to each other again, 
but will have an uncomfortable glance-and-nodding acquaintance at future birthday parties for their grandchildren.
 
9. Charles Schumer will suddenly become the smartest, most powerful, most shrewd, and most important man in Washington, because he alone can stand up to the maniacal fascist sexist greedy capitalist monster residing in the White House.
Already known on Capitol Hill for his froth-at-the-mouth lust to be in front of any TV camera, Schumer will now grace the covers of The New Yorker, Washingtonian, The Atlantic, The New Republic, Time, Newsweek, and even People  magazines with those shadowy photos where he grimly stands tall in his suit and tie, with his arms folded in stern resistance to the Republican destruction of America. He will always appear high on the vapid and annual “The Most Intriguing People” list.
We will hear his surly voice every day on radio and TV news broadcasts as the voice of the reasonable opposition.
He will be invited as the Guest of Honor to every party in Georgetown, McLean, Chevy Chase, Manhattan, Hollywood, and the Hamptons.
He will be invited to speak at dozens of college graduations starting this coming May.
And although he has spent his political career stepping over congressmen and senators to steal the limelight, stab others in the back, grab credit and point fingers as the situation suited him, he will suddenly be the go-to-guy for reporters who want to hear “candor” about what really goes on in Washington. 
10. Just like all users of the ridiculous communications tool, Donald Trump will continue to get in trouble using his twitter account.
–The Beltway Bandit

Now the Hardest Job in Washington

Boy are the Clintons in trouble.

Since they set up the “Clinton Global Initiative” Bill and Hillary have been milking corporations and foreign governments to gain access to federal contracts and future favors.

As with all things dealing with the Clintons, everything was based on promises of future favors. Bill and Hillary both promised that when Hillary became president, every donor would have immediate and constant access to her.

As conceited as the couple is, they assured themselves that it was only a matter of time until they returned to the Oval Office.

But then Barack Obama dashed their plans.

No problem, they assured their vast list of donors. Hillary will win at the next election. But then Obama won re-nomination in 2012, and returned for a second presidential term.

No problem, Bill and Hillary again promised their donors. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to donate more money to the foundation to assure that she doesn’t forget about you when she becomes president.

But now she lost to President-Elect Trump.

…And now it’s all about to hit the fan.

You see, all those foreign governments gave and gave and gave to the Clinton Foundation, believing Bill’s sell-job that Hillary couldn’t lose. It turns out that most of the government donors were from countries that are persistently unfriendly to the United States. Best of all, most of those countries are run by despots willing to get rid of people to get their way.

Now that they’ve tossed million and millions of dollars to the wind in a gamble on future access to Hillary Clinton, some of those despots are going to ask for their money back.

When Bill and Hillary refuse to do so, the despots will get mad–very mad.

Dictators are going to demand their money back. Bill and Hillary are going to have to start watching their backs.

This is why the Secret Service Agents who will soon be charged with protecting  Bill and Hillary now have the hardest jobs in Washington.

–The Beltway Bandit

 

No to Term Limits

…but YES to Time Limits.
At long last, the tool to slow down the out-of-control Montgomery County Council is at hand. The 9-member council is an exclusive club—all 9 are Democrat Party loyalists. There are no Republicans; no Independents; no Green, Constitution, or Labor Party members; and absolutely no creative thinking. Just Democrats.
 
Like all Democrats, The Nine agree on almost everything, except how much they deserve to be paid. And like Democrats everywhere, The Nine tirelessly tinker with the lives of the people who pay their salaries. They’ve even created 20 intrusive agencies to help them out.
 
Do you want to add a driveway at your house? You need to get approval, a zoning permit, and pay a hefty fee.
Do you want to cut down a tree in your own back yard? You need to get a permit, bureaucratic approval and of course, pay a hefty fee.
 
Want to add a bathroom to your house? You need to get construction, plumbing, and electrical permits; construction approval and of course, pay hefty fees for each.
 
But don’t forget to shovel your walk after it snows—or you get a ticket and a big fine.
 
Accidentally put your recycling into the wrong trash can on Trash Day? You face a ticket and a fine.
 
And don’t forget to rake your leaves out into the street for the scheduled County Leaf-Pick-Up-Day in the Fall. Dry leaves are a serious fire hazard, ya know. Oh wait—that was last year’s law. The Nine changed it so you have to rake you leaves, but only to the edge of the street. They found out the hard way that all those leaves piled in the street were starting fires underneath hot cars when residents parked on top of dry leaves. Oops!
 
They required every home to have hard-wired smoke detectors installed in all new construction. It was a backup safety measure because they beleived that residents were too dumb to remember to change the batteries. But this year they changed their minds, and are now requiring all hard-wired smoke detectors be removed and replaced by only battery-powered units.
 
This council requires every home to have an expensive “radon-dissipation system” to assure that no county resident dies of radon poisoning. Even though there has never been a radon-poisoning-death recorded anywhere in the United States—ever.
 
Did your 10-year-old daughter set up a card table in your front yard and eagerly try to sell lemonade to the neighbors?
That will cost her thrice: a fine for not having a business permit; not having a food-service-permit; and the possibility of arrest. Not to mention shattering her enthusiasm.
 
Trying to update your business and need to fix the parking lot? You must schedule a public hearing, get county approval, then pay for a permit, submit architectural plans showing where the curbs will be located including width and length, prove that rain-storm run-off is environmentally friendly, get that approved, have the lot repaved, then get the work approved by a leisurely county inspector who will never arrive on time, and of course, pay a hefty permitting fee.
 
This council banned paper grocery bags because they were bad for the environment. Grocery stores obediently adjusted and started using free plastic grocery bags. Then the council decided that free plastic bags were bad for the environment, so they imposed a tax on any grocery store customer foolish enough to want to carry their groceries
out of the store. They even required the grocery stores to reprogram all their cash registers to collect a 5-cent-tax for each plastic bag used—and the stores have to collect the tax for the county! Only Montgomery County could come up with a scheme to tax its own citizens before they get to leave the grocery store.
 
Don’t send you kids out to play at the park down the street; they will be arrested; you will be fined; and a County Social Worker escorted by a policeman will come to your home and interrogate you about potential child neglect.
 
How about the idea of banning smoking in your own home—unless you live on a plot of at least one-acre. That leaves only the wealthy who own large lots in Potomac or Avenel who could smoke in their own homes.
 

Or how about their legendary idea requiring all pet cats to be leashed…?

 
These are just a few examples of what our County Council does all day. They simply make up schemes to justify their existence.
 
But here is the best example of the County Council’s use of its time: last year the nine member council unanimously voted themselves a juicy raise to $136,258 by January 1, 2017. And this is in a county where the median income for a 4 person family is $70,150. They decided to pay themselves almost twice what their average resident taxpayer
earns.
 
For over a quarter century, the most grumbled question about Montgomery County governance has been, who is serving whom…?
 
The problem with our local government is that they spend much of the year meddling with nonsense, making mountains out of mole hills, and banning common sense in the sole mission to justify their jobs and eye-popping pay checks. Check out the biographies of the 9 council members. 6 of the 9 members have held these offices since Bill Clinton was president.
 
As the Term Limits campaign proves, once elected to office in Montgomery County, it is impossible to unseat a sitting member—it’s a job for life!
This is why all 9 current council members are against the Term Limits Amendment.
So what is the realistic solution?
 
The goal to limit the terms of these perennial bureaucrats deserves great praise. But the smarter constitutional amendment is to limit their time on the job each year.
 
They should be allowed 30 days to do their job: pass a budget, deal with long-term fiduciary responsibilities, settle long-term zoning issues, then go home—and leave us alone.
 
The Maryland State Legislature meets for 90 days every year. Period. And somehow they manage to run the entire state.
 
The Texas State Legislature meets for 90 days—every other year.And Texas is the sole economic success story of the past decade.
 
Why does the Montgomery County Council need to meet every work day of the year? Are they that much more important? Do they accomplish that much more?
 
Just because you show up at a bureaucratic job every day and make sure your press secretary gets you on the TV news or into the newspaper every week so you look busy doesn’t mean you are actually doing something productive. Those nine council members have proven this year in and year out.
 
The Term Limits Amendment is a brave start, but the end goal should be to limit their time in office each year to 30 days. Such a law would require them to focus on their real duties; not squander time on the fabricated and illogical issues which consume their time throughout the year.
 
If they choose to work all 30 days great; if not, it would be an added bonus to the people of Montgomery County.
–The Beltway Bandit

The Perfect Veep

Trump is making me cringe.

He has spent two weeks doing public events with potential vice presidential candidates. We’ve seen him with Washington politicians, both men and women, as they smile and chat together in front of the cameras.

It’s his way of giving each one a test-drive before asking them to join him on his presidential bumper sticker.

He even spends his time with a guy like Senator Bob Corker, who famously changed Senate rules to allow a treaty to not be called a treaty, just so President Obama would not have to submit the Iran Nuclear Treaty–er, uh, “Deal”–to the Senate and have it rejected.

Then Trump shows up with Newt Gingrich. Yikes!
Ol’ Newt–and yes, he is old: 74 years old at last count–hasn’t done anything in politics since he was voted out of the seat of Speaker of the House during the Lewinsky Scandal in the late 1990s. Sure, he writes a lot of books, and must mint money on the lecture circuit. But he hasn’t done or said anything innovative since he won the Speaker’s Seat in the landslide election of 1994.

If Trump wants to pick an old white has-been as his running mate, why not choose Romney?

But if Trump is smart, there is only one choice: Sheriff Dave Clark of Wisconsin.

Here’s why:

  1. He’s calm, concise and articulate
  2. He’s pro Law-and-Order without being in your face
  3. He’s a vigorous proponent of the 2nd Amendment
  4. He’s really good on TV, and has lots of experience doing interviews
  5. He is a serious man
  6. He’s really tall
  7. He’s melanin efficient
  8. the base loves him: he will REALLY fire them up

In these bleak times when the President of the United States insults police forces all over the country, Americans crave a man who is the direct opposite.

There is a powerful vacuum of leadership when it comes to our civil society. By very calm example of American Manliness, Sheriff Clark fills that void.

–The Beltway Bandit

 

 

 

 

Best Bureaucracy Ever: Verizon

Everybody has been stuck in the only check-out line at the store when there are another 9 cash registers that are closed. We’ve all had to wait too long to be served at a restaurant. We’ve all been put on hold by a customer service rep in the Philippines who barely understands you as you repeat your customer ID over and over. We’ve all paid for a car repair, to have the same problem pop up only days after leaving the shop.

When you’re faced with these frustrations, you start to wonder: what is the worst company in America?

Is it the companies politicians love to bash: say, Exxon?

How about a car company? Or  a coal company?

Maybe even Koch Industries, Halliburton, or Walmart…?

No. Without a doubt, it is—Verizon.

When you call for customer service, you get a robot who asks you the same questions over and over.

When you finally get a rep on the phone, they lie. And lie. And lie. If they’re not lying, they’re making stuff up to get you off the phone.

Here’s proof:

My phone service from Verizon is called “Freedom  Essentials” on the monthly  bill. It includes phone and internet. I don’t watch TV much, so I’ve never paid for it.

In early March, I received a call from Verizon informing me that my account was past due. If I paid $57 right now, my service would not be interrupted. In a panic, I pulled out my credit card, read its numbers to the rep, and paid the bill. That evening when I got home, I received an email receipt of my payment.

One March 18th, I received another call from Verizon telling me my service would be interrupted if I didn’t pay another $114 immediately. I explained that I had paid my bill a week earlier, but they insisted I was two months behind on my payment, and needed to get up to date or service would be terminated. Since I was at work and couldn’t check, I again pulled out my credit card and paid another two months. The rep thanked me and explained that I was now paid through March 18th, and the next bill would reflect that my account was up to date.

When I got home from work that evening, a new email from Verizon showed that I was now paid through May 18th. I shook my head, sighed and accepted the fact that once again, Verizon doesn’t know what is what. But I was relieved that I was paid up two months in advance, and wouldn’t have to pay that bill for a while.

Ten days later, my internet service stopped working. It was around 10 in the morning, so I figured I’d wait a couple hours, clear the Fios modem, and try again. At noon, it still wasn’t working. At 3pm it still wasn’t working, so I called Verizon’s customer service number.

After the usual 15 minutes of Verizon’s robot-automatic-answering-service asking for my account number, my phone number, my name, address, and whether I had a cell number I’d like to have listed as a back-up security question, I finally got through to a live person. After reciting my account number, my phone number, my name and address again, she paused while she looked up my account.

After a few minutes, she informed me that I didn’t have internet service on my account.

Stunned, I asked why I had been receiving it since 2009, and why I had paid for it every month since then. I reminded her that in January of this year, my internet service was interrupted, and that two Verizon Service Techs had visited my home over a three day period to replace my Fios modem because the first one had gone bad; the second one was defective; and the third one finally worked.

She told me there was no record of that service in my account log. She told me to hold, and after ten minutes, transferred me to someone in Tech Support. After another lengthy period on hold, the tech came on and checked through my account log. He explained that the previous Verizon person didn’t know what she was talking about, and that he would have service back on the next morning—he simply had to order a service call to my home.

The next morning no rep showed up. I called Verizon and they said they had cancelled the Service Tech’s request. I asked why and they said that the Tech who spoke to me the previous evening had noted in my account log that the problem was fixed.

From that point I started getting mad.

On that Tuesday, I spent three hours on the phone, being transferred from Customer Service, to Financial Services, to Tech Support, and back to Customer Service in some sort of round-robin. I talked to Verizon people in Delaware, Arizona, New Jersey, Tijuana Mexico… And in all that time, every person I spoke to seemed completely clueless as to how such a problem could exist.

And so it went for 15 days, including a Saturday morning and Sunday evening on the phone with Verizon.

My son works in IT, and kept telling me I was doing something wrong. He came over to my house and called Verizon, confident that with his background he could speak the same language as Verizon’s tech guys, would have the confusion cleared and the problem solved within 15 minutes. I lauded him for his confidence, and handed him all my notes from the past week, my previous Verizon invoices and emails, and gave him the phone.

He started his call with Tech Support at 4pm that Sunday afternoon. He stayed on the phone with me by his side, and we listened on the speaker-phone to the ricochet of tech people and customer service people from across America, Mexico and the Philippines go back and forth, changing stories and explanations for how to fix the problem. As the sun faded out the window behind him, my son sat there diligently waiting, and calmly retelling the story of our problem to each succeeding Verizon person who came on the line.

3-1/2 hours later it was dark outside, and they promised that phone service would be restored at 8 o’clock the next morning.

Well, believe it or not, 8 o’clock came and went, and we had no internet service. My son’s marathon call from the evening before had no more impact on Verizon’s bureaucracy than did mine.

I got back on the phone and spent another two hours on the phone with Verizon that day. I got the same run-around, and each new Customer Service Rep had to be told my entire story from the previous week. Even though they had my account log on a computer screen in front of them, they had no idea what I was saying.

This went on through Day 8, Day 9, and Day 10. My fury with Verizon was broiling. With every person I spoke to, I explained that my bill was paid through May. Every Rep would acknowledge that it was. But at that point, they would shut down and act like they had no idea how to flip a switch to turn my internet service back on. I also noticed that when I asked the Rep’s name, they would say simply their first name. I would follow that up with, “And where are YOU?”

“In Richmond, Virginia,” would be the timid response.

“Can I get your ID number?” I got used to asking.

“No sir, we’re not allowed to give that out,” would be the firm response.

“Of course not,” I always answered cynically.

And then, on Day 10, it happened.

Somehow, a Verizon rep actually acted like she knew what was going on. Almost on auto-pilot, I explained what had happened, that my bill was paid up for the next two months, and about the dozens of people I had spoken to. She looked at my account log on screen and said “Oh My God!”

“What now?” I asked, afrad to hear the next twist in my ordeal.

I heard her tapping away at her computer, so took the opportunity to ask her name.

“Mallory” she said vacantly.

“And where are YOU?” I asked.

“I’m in Massachusetts,” she answered, still vacantly.

“Can I get your ID Number?” I asked automatically.

“Sure,” she said, “It’s ———” and she gave it to me.

I was shocked—I got a real ID number from a Verizon Rep! I was so stunned, I was almost speechless.

She interrupted my stupor and said, “I know what has been happening with your account.”

“You do?!”

“Every time you called in, a new Work Order was assigned to your account to correct this issue. The problem is that you have 1, 2, 3, oh my God, at least 9 overlapping work orders here, so the system didn’t know what to do.”
“How could that happen?” I asked.

“Well, every time you called in, a new work order was assigned to your account, and—“

“So wait a minute,” I interrupted. “If that’s the case, why didn’t ANY of the people I’ve spoken to over the last week and a half figure this out?”

“I’m not saying they didn’t, but some people here are trained a lot better than others,” she explained, sounding guilty about my problem.

She told me that she needed to call a Tech and have all the other work orders cleared in order to start a new work order to solve the problem.

I scoffed in disbelief. She heard me too, because she said, “I’m sure you don’t believe me after all this time, but I will call you back to let you know about my progress. I have a few friends in different departments who will help me fix this.”

Surprised by this new candor, I agreed, gave her my number, and hung up.

The next morning she actually called me! I was so surprised, I know I didn’t properly thank her. She told me she had her friend Lynne from Tech Support on the line in a conference call, and that she was going to help us. Lynne reiterated Mallory’s observation about the multiple work orders  and about all the confusion it caused. While she was explaining this, she gasped and said, “Look at all these work orders—how many times have you called in?”

I explained that with all the disconnections, second calls on most days, I must have called at least 15 times.

“Well that explains that!” she said. “There are 13 different work orders in here for service on your account since last Monday.”

“Now you can understand his anger,” Mallory piped in.

“This will take a few hours, and some calls to our field office, but we’ll clear it up,” Lynne said.

Mallory told me, “You see, it’s all in knowing the right people. I will call you back at 1 o’clock and give you an update to see if we can get your service up today or not.”

I thanked her, hung up, and for the first time in 12 days, started to feel hopeful. Perhaps I would finally have my internet service back by the weekend.

At 1pm she promptly called me back to explain that it was so messed up that it would be Monday before all the orders could be cleared properly. She apologized, but promised to call me at 8am Monday morning to confirm that service would be restored that morning.

I thanked her for being the only person out of three dozen who had been honest and consistent with me. We wished each other a happy weekend, and hung up.

At 8:05 on Monday morning, my phone rang. It was Lynne, not Mallory. She explained that Mallory had to rush her husband to the hospital, but called her on the way to make sure that I was updated on  the progress of my internet service. I was speechless from her commitment to solving my problem, and told Lynne to thank her for me.

Lynne explained that the backlog of orders had been cleared, gave me the new Work Order Number, and assured me that internet service would be restored by 2pm. I was so thankful, and told her so. She told me to be home between 2 and 4pm to accept a call and to reactivate the service through an email I would be sent.

I was home around 3:30, clicked open my email, and was happy to receive an email from Verizon asking me to click a specific button to restart my Fios internet service. I did so, and sat back in my chair with a long sigh. 2 weeks, I thought. Two whole weeks wasted. Two weeks of service I paid for, and didn’t get. At least 24 hours of work time squandered over these two weeks. I sighed again.

I waited a few minutes for my Fios modem to go through its start-up cycle, and then clicked on the internet icon on my computer screen.

Nothing happened.

That feeling of Verizon Doom flooded over me once again.

I called 1-800-Verizon once again. After the first 7 minutes of telling the Verizon-robot all my account information once more, I waited for a customer service rep. When one finally came on the line, I asked to speak to Mallory in Massachusetts, and recited her ID Number.

“We have no way of calling another representative in a different office,” she explained in a disinterested tone.

“Wait a minute: you’re a phone company, and you can’t talk to another employee in your company?” I asked incredulously.

“Only email,” she said with an over-the-phone-shrug.

I swallowed hard, and started to explain my entire 2 week ordeal yet once more.

She said “hmmm ,” out loud and looked at my account on screen. “It appears that there is a power outage near your home. If service doesn’t come up within the next 3 hours, then we can’t guarantee that you’ll have internet for the next 24 hours.”

“So are you telling me that we won’t have internet until Wednesday now?!” I exploded.” We are able to receive emails from Verizon, because I received an email a half hour ago telling me that my service was restored, and now—“

“We have no record of that here,” she said.

I recited the Confirmation Number right off the email from 4pm back to her.

“Well, why don’t you do it again, so we can be sure,” she said.

So I went back to the email, and clicked the button once more to accept my fios service. Almost immediately, I got another “Congratulations!” message, with a different series of numbers to confirm our service. I recited them to her.

“Let’s see,” she said again cheerfully. “Yep, looks like you’ll have to wait another three hours until that power outage clears up. If not, it’ll be another 24 hours for ya.”

I was so mad, I’m sure there was smoke spewing from my ears, but I tried to remain calm. “Let me speak to a supervisor. Please.”

“There aren’t any on the work floor at this time. Can I take a message and have one call you?” she said in a tone as if there was not a problem.

“No, I want to talk to a supervisor right now. This is Day 15 of dealing with you all, and I was promised that service would be restored today.”

“I can put you on hold and see if one will be available soon,” she offered.

“I don’t want to be put on hold, because you’ll hang up on me. Get me a supervisor. Now.”

“Please h—“ she clicked me on hold so fast, she didn’t even get the rest of “hold” out.

I listened to verizon’s insipid “On Hold Music” for the umpteenth time. I waited for another 20 minutes. Finally a male came on the line. Once again I had to explain my two week trek through Verizon’s bureaucracy to this guy too.

He hummed and hawed, and then told me there was a power outage. I told him I already knew that. He said, “I can have an Outage Repair Ticket set up, and we can take a look at it tomorrow…?”

“Now why didn’t she suggest that when we discussed this earlier?” I asked frustrated.

“Oh well,” he chuckled, “I told her not to write one until you and I discussed the issue and decided on what the best course of action was to take.”

That did it. I exploded: “I have not had internet service I paid for in advance for 15 days. What do YOU think the best course of action would be?!”

“Sir,” he said, trying to use his customer-calming-skills he learned in Call-Center-Training-Class, “if you’re going to be rude, then I cannot help you. Do you want me to write an Outage Repair Ticket or not…?”
Still furious, I asked to be transferred to Mallory, and gave her ID number to him.

“How did you get that information?” he asked suspiciously.

“Transfer me to Mallory right now so I can leave a message on her voicemail,” I reiterated, still broiling.

“Tell you what, let me contact the Tech Department, and see what we can do for you..” and pushed the Hold Button as fast as he got that last word out.

On hold for another 12 minutes, I listened to the same Verizon On Hold Music. I’m a music lover, but even Helen Keller would cringe if she was stuck listening to this tripe.

A Tech Rep finally came on the line, “Hello, I understand you’re having a little glitch with your internet service?”

“A little glitch?!” I said sarcastically.

Before I could open up my floodgates of rage, he interrupted me: “Have you cleared the cache on your computer?”

“Cleared the what?” I asked, “How do I do that?”

He had me go onto my computer screen, showed me how to click to buttons in the preference menu, and then told me to wait 30 seconds.

And what do you know?

I suddenly had internet service.

I sighed out loud and asked the guy, “Why didn’t anybody tell me to do this 45 minutes ago?”

He chuckled and said, “Customer Service People. What do they know? Heh heh heh!”

I thanked him, and hung up.

So after 15 full days of paid but unavailable service, shifting explanations and excuses, I finally got my internet service back on.

This problem began on March 28th at 10am, and trudged along until 6:30pm on April 11th.

The following morning, on Day 16, I received the most polite email from Mallory I have every received from a Customer Service Person. She was thoughtful, apologetic, considerate, and reiterated how frustrated many of her colleagues are with Verizon’s Bureaucracy.

It was refreshing to know that out of the 37 people we spoke to over our 15 day ordeal, there was one honest person who cared enough to bend over backwards to help me.

_______________________________

Ten days later, I was surprised to see an email from Verizon asking me to “Take a Quick Survey!” about their service. I did so with relish. After giving them Zeros for their responsiveness and if I would recommend them to a friend, they asked these two questions.

Please tell us why you chose these ratings or what we can do to improve our service:
Although we were paid up through May 18th, 2016, for 2 months in advance, Verizon disconnected our service on March 28th.

It took 15 days, 26 hours on the phone, and speaking to 37 different customer service, tech, and financial services people in Virginia, Florida, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Connecticut, New York, Maryland, the Philippines and Mexico to straighten it out. Amusingly, 6 of your customer service reps proudly announced they were “taking ownership of this problem, and will not hang up until your problem is solved.” Yet to top it off, all 6 transferred me elsewhere. We were transferred dozens of times, and also hung up on 4 times over that 15 day period.

Over that period, we were often on the phone for 3-hour periods: We spoke to you all at 8 in the morning, at noontime, at 3 in the afternoon, on a Sunday evening, and even at 11:15 one night. And yet at every turn we were treated like the IRS treats American citizens: with excuses and indifference.

Except for the last person, Mallory in Massachusetts, EVERY SINGLE Verizon employee gave us a different explanation and promise to solve the problem.

People complain about how horrid it is to deal with the Post Office, the local MVA, or with Comcast.
But I have NEVER been treated so dishonestly and with so many over-the-phone-shrugs for such a lengthy period of time.

And just in case you believe my experience is frivolous, I do Customer Service for a living. If a single person on my staff treated a customer in such a way, I would have him fired that day.

Since we were put on hold for about 22 of the 26 hours we were on the phone with Verizon, both my wife and I were forced to memorize your “On Hold” music, which, by the way, is horrid. We are convinced it was composed by the son of some Verizon Top Executive and recorded in his garage. You all REALLY need to invest in some music.

And how many times, during that hold music did Verizon’s robotic-female-voice pipe in and remind us that “if you are having trouble with your service, you can log onto verizon.com for assistance.” Even though we had no internet service!

I never truly understood why Americans hate a monopoly; but now it is crystal clear.

Over those 15 days of NO SERVICE from Verizon, we decided there is only one word to describe Verizon: “Excruciating”.

What can we do to make it easier for you to do business with us?
Have your Overpaid Lobbyists go to Congress to have a law passed to allow other companies to compete in the Washington DC region.

____________________________________________________

I have yet to hear back from them, but am still exhausted from the experience and feel like I have the domestic form of PTSD.

If there was an alternative to Verizon, I would sign up for it without blinking.

–The  Beltway Bandit